#RIP Joan Rivers: 12 Jokes From Joan Rivers

#RIP Joan Rivers: 12 Jokes From Joan Rivers

  3:48 PM    Angelo Mercede

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Here are 12 of her best jokes:

1. On Elizabeth Taylor's obesity: "Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

... she was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her. She's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on her aspirins.
2. On Paris Hilton's sex tape: "When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton's poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film ... in a Marriott hotel."
3. On David Gest: "I blame myself for David Gest. It was me who told Liza Minnelli to find herself a man who wouldn't sleep with other women."
4. On her love of cosmetic surgery: "I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."

5. On Renee Zellweger: "All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window."
6. On Madonna: "Madonna is so hairy. When she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit."
7. On James Cameron's Titanic: "If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk."
8. On supermodel Cindy Crawford: "You want to get Cindy Crawford confused? Ask her to spell 'mum' backwards."

9. On Michael Jackson: "The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only twenty-eight-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?
10. On UK singer Adele: "I met Adele! What's her song, Rolling In The Deep? She should add 'fried chicken'."
11. On her appearance at the Emmys: "I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for "Best Special Effects."
12. On planning her own funeral: ""At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents."

Source: http://www.nzherald.co.nz/entertainment/news/article.cfm?c_id=1501119&objectid=11319442
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